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Movie Review: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Over the holidays, I had occasion to watch G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra.

I'll start off by saying that it is by no means the worst Action-Figure-to-Movie effort that I've seen in my life.  (That "honor", such as it is, goes to Masters of the Universe from way back in 1987.  That particular film had me wondering just who had what photos of Frank Langella that were so bad that he'd rather appear as Skeletor than have them released.  Ah, the '80s...)

Anyhow, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (hereafter abbreviated GIJ) gives us the story of a top-secret, multi-national group of elite soldiers led by Dennis Quaid's General Hawk, and their efforts to recover some stolen nanotechnology created by James McCullen's (played by Christopher Eccleston) weapons company, M.A.R.S. 

M.A.R.S. has developed the technology to weaponize nanobots - once delivered to the target, the nanobots will consume all of the buildings and vehicles in the area until a special deactivation signal is received.  (I don't think the film explicitly stated that the 'bots would consume humans, but I took that implication from the exposition.)

Digression:  Nanobots are awesome.  This is an example of what I'm going to call The First Law of Action Movie Doomsday Weapons:  When in need of a doomsday weapon, pick a bleeding-edge technology that nobody really understands.  That way you can give it arbitrary capabilities and limitations depending on whatever the situation calls for.

Several warheads containing these little nasties are put in the custody of an Army escort led by Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans).  The convoy is attacked by a mysterious woman (Sienna Miller's Baroness) and a bunch of what appear to be robotic soldiers armed with extremely advanced technology, and most of the  soldiers are killed.  Duke recognized the Baroness as his former flame, Anna, but is unable to stop her from temporarily capturing the warheads. 

Digression:  GIJ provides a stunning example of what I'll call The First Law of Fan Service in the character of the Baroness. Simply put, the First Law of Fan Service states that beautiful female villains will always select skin-tight, cleavage revealing outfits in which to conduct their villainy, despite the fact that such outfits generally don't seem very functional.

The attack is interrupted by the arrival of a group of action figures unusually equipped operatives, including the silent ninja Snake Eyes (Ray Park) and the laser/rocket crossbow wielding Scarlett (Rachel Nichols), who chase off the attackers and retrieve the case containing the warheads.  They head back to the secret underground base of the Joes, where they meet General Hawk in person and give us more exposition.  We learn a little about the history of Duke and the Baroness, but I can't get into that without revealing a key plot point.

Digression:  The First Law of Secret Underground Bases is that it is not only possible but relatively routine to construct vast bases underground without anyone knowing about them.  Such bases may be many levels deep, with at least one level connecting to a subterranean river.  One level will be a hangar level with entry either through iris doors in the ceiling or through a convenient cliff-side cave.  We also have The Second Law of Fan Service demonstrated by Scarlett - to wit:  beautiful female heroes will select form-fitting but slightly less revealing than the villainess' outfits not only during their heroic activities but during their down-time. 

Gripe:  If you're an aspiring CGI artist, please remember that aircraft cast shadows...

With the warheads back at Joe HQ, McCullen appears via hologram to "inspect" them.  In a not-particularly subtle twist, McCullen is revealed to be playing for the bad guys, and tricks the Joes into activating a homing beacon in the warhead case that allows the Baroness and the evil ninja Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) to find the Joe's base, tunnel in with an arbitrarily large number of robo-soldiers, wreak havoc in the base, injure Hawk, and steal the warheads.

Digression:  The First Rule of Weapons Dealers in action movies is that they are always either the villain or in cahoots with the villain.  One might object and cite Tony Stark in Iron Man, but while Stark starts out as a weapons dealer in cahoots with Obidiah Stane, he renounces that role prior to assuming the role of Iron Man. 

Digression:  Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes exemplify The First Rule of Ninjas:  Ninjas on opposite sides of the central conflict in an action movie will previously have been the most promising students under the same ninja master.  The one who ends up working with the bad guys will have endured some perceived slight or dishonor from the good ninja, and this grudge will be the nucleus of his misguided attempt to restore his honor.

The Joes track the warheads to Paris and engage in a long car/motorcycle/powered suit of armor chase through the streets, leading up to the detonation of one of the warheads and the escape of the Baroness and Storm Shadow.  The mayhem in the streets attracts the attention of the Paris constabulary who detain the Joes until Hawk arrives to take custody of them.  Hawk then informs the team that they're being recalled to their home countries (remember, it's a multi-national team), but gives them the latitude to follow the Baroness and Storm Shadow to the Arctic Circle first, where McCullen and the mad scientist he's working with have established a secret base under the ice. 

Digression:  The First Corollary to the First Law of Secret Underground Bases holds that an underwater or under-ice base is functionally equivalent to an underground base.   The Second Law of Secret Underground Bases informs us that normal, real-world construction schedules and processes do not apply when building a Secret Underground Base.  Such bases may be built on arbitrarily vast scales and with nigh-unimaginable complexity in as little as a few weeks, with the influx of workers and resources going completely unnoticed by anyone.

Digression:  The First Law of Evil Organizations requires a minimum of one Evil Mad Scientist to occupy a high position in the organization. 

Artist's Impression of a Typical Evil Mad Scientist

Most of what happens at the under-ice base serves to tie together spoilerish plot threads that I've glossed over, and sets up for a potential sequel, so I won't get into the details of the final battle. 

This is one of those films that kind of surprised me.  I went into it with expectations so low that I could trip over them, and I came away from it pleasantly surprised.  Is it a great movie?  Of course not.  But it works quite well as a live-action cartoon, as do most Stephen Sommers-directed films (The Mummy, for example), so long as you don't think too much about what's going on. 

If you're old enough to remember the old G.I. Joe cartoons from the '80s, it's fun to see some of those characters in live-action. 

Bottom line - G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is an enjoyable diversion if you're the sort that appreciates lots of explosions, gadgets, and don't mind suspending a lot of disbelief.  If you happen to have an old Snake Eyes action figure around the house, so much the better.

- Jay

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