The Clever Badger I'm not dead yet!

Cats

Not the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.

Once upon a time, I honestly believed that cats were pretty much the most intelligent animal one could keep as a pet.  Hell, if they had opposable thumbs, they'd probably rule the world, or at least give us humans a serious challenge.

However, as I sit here at the computer in the middle of the night when I'm already rocking a pretty serious sleep deficit, and I can't actually sleep because my cat is doing Stupid Cat Tricks, I find myself reconsidering my position.

Please allow me to explain.

I have really screwed up sleep habits, for which I'll credit my father.  More specifically, I'll credit the particular package of genes that he bestowed upon me that give me a predisposition for being wide awake in the middle of the night when normal humans are asleep.

This leads me to, on occasion, have a snack around 1:00 AM or so, which often involves opening the refrigerator.

The act of opening the refrigerator is a well-known way to attract a cat from nearly anywhere in the house.

So, one night, feeling magnanimous, I gave my cat a slice of deli turkey.  It went downhill from there.

If you give a cat a slice of deli turkey...

It's going to want some water.

If you give it the water, it's going to want the water to be cold, so you'll give it some ice cubes.

If you give it some ice cubes, it'll stick its paws in the water to bat them around.

If it sticks its paws in the water, they'll get wet.

If the cat's paws get wet, it will flick them to get the water off.

When it flicks its paws, the walls will get wet.

When the walls get wet, you'll yell at the cat and mutter obscenities under your breath because you're drying a wall off at 1:00 AM.

When you yell at the cat, it will run into another room.

You'll go back to bed.

When you go back to bed, the cat will silently follow you, holding a grudge.

When the grudge-holding cat senses that you're about to fall asleep, it'll jump onto your chest and start kneading with its still-wet paws.

You'll yell again.

The cat will run under the bed where it will start meowing.

When the cat starts meowing, you'll try to make it shut up and leave the freaking room so you can get a couple of hours sleep before you have to get out of bed and go to work.

When you do this, the cat will move to the geometric center of the under-bed region, which will be just out of reach of anything you might use to >ahem< encourage  the cat to leave.  The meowing will continue.

Frustrated and defeated, you'll go downstairs to a computer and write a sleep-fogged blog post about how your cat is actively trying to drive you to a sleep deprivation-induced breakdown.

At which point the cat will emerge from beneath the bed, follow you downstairs, and sit in front of the refrigerator meowing for a slice of deli turkey.

-Jay

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